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using my webcam
an emo shot
for me this is my best hair ever...after a long time.. yeah it's been a long time since i've done a few things that i wasn't able to do before...
1st is posting... yeah lately i've lost the passion to make a post. if i had the camera with me then i would have posted something before when i cooked some stuff but i didn't have it with me when i cooked sinigang na gulay (haha i call it like that because it didn't have any meat in it) and pancit canton. while browsing through some books at national i saw a recipe for what it calls "stuffed tofu"... can't remember anymore what exactly are the ingredients and amounts, but i remember how it is made so when i have the time i'll try to make one without a recipe. hahaha
2nd... i was able to read a book. yeah i don't read books that much to be honest with you. i was never fond of reading books. i've only finished 2 books in my entire life. it's because of the power outage yesterday that i was able to set my eyes on a book again. thanks to the brown-out!
3rd is... 1st time i've yearned for someone like this in a long time. yeah i've been single since december of 2007 and i'm gonna be single for two years when december of this year arrives. yeah, i've felt sad a few times but i've never felt this depressed since like forever.
i was able to shrug it off a lot of times but now it's something i can't take away from me. to add the fact that i'm getting fat makes it a little more depressing.
i know looks aren't everything. a friend responded to a profile description i made. the description i wrote was:
...i would like to have a better body so i'd be perfect for whoever's gonna be my partner...
he said:
".....you don't have to do this. this is extremely ridiculous and insane! wag mong gawing tanga ang sarili mo. u'v been blinded by the blinds.
.....mahalin mo kc ang sarili mo. hindi mo kailangang kainin ang sasabihin ng iba. respeto sa sarili; thinking this way, mas ginagago mo ang sarili mo kung akala mo lng. tsk tsk. pasalamat ka, may mga tunay kang kaibigang anjan para bumatok sayo.."
it was a nice thing for him to say that. i needed that. i felt better with that. thanks!
but then for after an hour, it's there again... depression's crushing me again.
things happened in my life the year of 2007. met someone, been with someone, left someone. i know my past relationships weren't something to be proud of, they were bull. but it was that time when i wasn't fat and my hair was short.
yes. short.
from the word "short" i remembered just now as i'm typing that: someone told me that what's in for guys like me nowadays is sporting short hair, and that hair cut short would look best for me, and it's maybe the reason why i'm still single.
well my reason for having long hair? it's something i've wanted to have since i was in high school. and yes, my hair isn't naturally straight. i had it rebonded. don't blame me. it's also what i've wanted since i was in grade school: to have hair that looks straight and healthy compared to what i have before: ugly, wavy (that looks messy and dead).
i was even teased "toupe" when i was in grade school for having bad looking hair. as i describe it, it's wavy-ness isn't manageable, and i called it "bulbol". my hair then actually looked like it's patay na buhok. and i was teased on my hair.
so i had it cut short (aside from the reason it's needed for COCC) and then someone said i look like a basagulerong jose rizal.
and because of the ugly waviness of my hair i've been pondering on the thought of having it straightened since high school, but my mom said it's a chemical process and my hair would be damaged and i'll go bald. so okay i dismissed the thought of having it straightened.
okay back to the story.. what i'm saying is, i know looks aren't everything. but based on what i was in 2007 i just can't stop thinking that i'm being judged for how i look like and not for who i am, what i am like and what i can do..
i just want to be loved i guess. for who i am.
yeah, tell me that i'm being too paranoid, close-minded, childish, whatever you want to.... but i feel depressed. that's what i'm feeling now. and so every reason that i can think of keeps piling up.
i know i promised not to post something sad ever again but i just can't stop. if i don't release this i may go crazy later on. this is my outlet aside from drinking and going out with friends.
to make something long shorter here it is: i feel like i don't exist. i don't feel loved and i just feel like i'm just someone who isn't special.
in the movies, it's like i'm just "extra # 5" or "the good friend #2".
in a movie it would be the line, i "feel so alone amidst a sea of people"
in a song it would be ocean deep. i wanna spread my wings but i just can't fly as a string of pearls and pretty guys go sailing by... i'm afraid to show my feelings... i'll keep [my feelings] ocean deep.
in a book, i would be the mental patient who would everyday lie down on the floor face down just for someone to notice her, and then go back to her room before the day ends.
come to think of it, maybe that's the reason why i'm sobrang galawgaw sa floor when i'm at work. i wanted to get noticed.
yeah this person i like is on the floor, and to be honest i don't know anything about that agent. yeah i know this isn't love, this is just attraction, i don't even know anything, and we're not even acquainted. but i'm hoping, and i'm thinking that it would be good to feel at least appreciated by someone you like... which i haven't felt in a long time. i hope it would be soon, not after a long time...