A new blog, a new me! (hopefully haha)

like what a song said, everything's gonna be alright... i guess i was just at the moment of the depression, but now everything's getting better.
if i'll just stay there, sulk and be miserable i wouldn't be able to do anything.
i should be finding the solution to the problem.
yes, crying is healthy but you shouldn't cry about the exact same thing for years. crying can help you, but shouldn't be done too much.
i should enjoy life. there's so much to enjoy about it. i just don't see it because i was just focused on 1 thing, that depression that i was feeling. there's got to be more to life.

i've just bought a cookbook so that when a free time comes i could cook something new. cooking is 1 of the things i enjoy in life. you are able to do something with love, you try to put the right ingredients and spice it up and balance the flavor... cook something good then enjoy it afterwards.

i'm supposed to post a picture of the pomodoro i've made around monday (and some others that i wasn't able to post) but the cam's at my room and currently it's being rennovated. i could actually get it but i'm too lazy to get it hehe..

pomodoro is a simple pasta dish which is made up of tomatoes, garlic, oil and basil. i love garlic and tomatoes and basil so liked it so much when a friend cooked it during 1 of our drinking sessions.

this weekend i'm gonna try making one of those in the cookbook i bought. the cookbok is just at 100 pesos and it's packed with easy to do recipes.

and since i don't have the cam, i'll just post random pics haha

after a long time.. yeah it's been a long time since i've done a few things that i wasn't able to do before...

1st is posting... yeah lately i've lost the passion to make a post. if i had the camera with me then i would have posted something before when i cooked some stuff but i didn't have it with me when i cooked sinigang na gulay (haha i call it like that because it didn't have any meat in it) and pancit canton. while browsing through some books at national i saw a recipe for what it calls "stuffed tofu"... can't remember anymore what exactly are the ingredients and amounts, but i remember how it is made so when i have the time i'll try to make one without a recipe. hahaha

2nd... i was able to read a book. yeah i don't read books that much to be honest with you. i was never fond of reading books. i've only finished 2 books in my entire life. it's because of the power outage yesterday that i was able to set my eyes on a book again. thanks to the brown-out!

3rd is... 1st time i've yearned for someone like this in a long time. yeah i've been single since december of 2007 and i'm gonna be single for two years when december of this year arrives. yeah, i've felt sad a few times but i've never felt this depressed since like forever.
i was able to shrug it off a lot of times but now it's something i can't take away from me. to add the fact that i'm getting fat makes it a little more depressing.
i know looks aren't everything. a friend responded to a profile description i made. the description i wrote was:
...i would like to have a better body so i'd be perfect for whoever's gonna be my partner...

he said:
".....you don't have to do this. this is extremely ridiculous and insane! wag mong gawing tanga ang sarili mo. u'v been blinded by the blinds.
.....mahalin mo kc ang sarili mo. hindi mo kailangang kainin ang sasabihin ng iba. respeto sa sarili; thinking this way, mas ginagago mo ang sarili mo kung akala mo lng. tsk tsk. pasalamat ka, may mga tunay kang kaibigang anjan para bumatok sayo.."

it was a nice thing for him to say that. i needed that. i felt better with that. thanks!

but then for after an hour, it's there again... depression's crushing me again.

things happened in my life the year of 2007. met someone, been with someone, left someone. i know my past relationships weren't something to be proud of, they were bull. but it was that time when i wasn't fat and my hair was short.
yes. short.

from the word "short" i remembered just now as i'm typing that: someone told me that what's in for guys like me nowadays is sporting short hair, and that hair cut short would look best for me, and it's maybe the reason why i'm still single.

well my reason for having long hair? it's something i've wanted to have since i was in high school. and yes, my hair isn't naturally straight. i had it rebonded. don't blame me. it's also what i've wanted since i was in grade school: to have hair that looks straight and healthy compared to what i have before: ugly, wavy (that looks messy and dead).

i was even teased "toupe" when i was in grade school for having bad looking hair. as i describe it, it's wavy-ness isn't manageable, and i called it "bulbol". my hair then actually looked like it's patay na buhok. and i was teased on my hair.

so i had it cut short (aside from the reason it's needed for COCC) and then someone said i look like a basagulerong jose rizal.

and because of the ugly waviness of my hair i've been pondering on the thought of having it straightened since high school, but my mom said it's a chemical process and my hair would be damaged and i'll go bald. so okay i dismissed the thought of having it straightened.

okay back to the story.. what i'm saying is, i know looks aren't everything. but based on what i was in 2007 i just can't stop thinking that i'm being judged for how i look like and not for who i am, what i am like and what i can do..

i just want to be loved i guess. for who i am.

yeah, tell me that i'm being too paranoid, close-minded, childish, whatever you want to.... but i feel depressed. that's what i'm feeling now. and so every reason that i can think of keeps piling up.

i know i promised not to post something sad ever again but i just can't stop. if i don't release this i may go crazy later on. this is my outlet aside from drinking and going out with friends.

to make something long shorter here it is: i feel like i don't exist. i don't feel loved and i just feel like i'm just someone who isn't special.
in the movies, it's like i'm just "extra # 5" or "the good friend #2".
in a movie it would be the line, i "feel so alone amidst a sea of people"
in a song it would be ocean deep. i wanna spread my wings but i just can't fly as a string of pearls and pretty guys go sailing by... i'm afraid to show my feelings... i'll keep [my feelings] ocean deep.
in a book, i would be the mental patient who would everyday lie down on the floor face down just for someone to notice her, and then go back to her room before the day ends.
come to think of it, maybe that's the reason why i'm sobrang galawgaw sa floor when i'm at work. i wanted to get noticed.

yeah this person i like is on the floor, and to be honest i don't know anything about that agent. yeah i know this isn't love, this is just attraction, i don't even know anything, and we're not even acquainted. but i'm hoping, and i'm thinking that it would be good to feel at least appreciated by someone you like... which i haven't felt in a long time. i hope it would be soon, not after a long time...

though i know i'm feeling down and am feeling unappreciated, i've learned to look at the positive side of things.. i always do.
and these are the times that this state of mind is needed. and it's actually a good way to look at everything when it gets you depressed or frustrated on what's happening in your life.
learn how to look at the bright side of things. yes shit happens, and you can't control the shit. you step on it sometimes when you're on the street, and you can't dictate the dogs on where they dump it. you can train them but you can't pin point at what exact spot on that little piece of soil left in the world they should be dropping it.
being single for a long time is sort of depressing, but there are advantages on it too.. i can go out with friends any time of the day without having to worry. i can do anything. i can spend more time with myself. i can love myself more.

and so i'm going away from posting self pity posts and sad lines.

this time i'm just going to enjoy it.. i'm going to refocus. i'm going to use it to my advantage.

and the best part is you can do your hobbies as well.

and one of that is cooking.

so here are some pictures of what i do when i'm in the kitchen...
(this is full of pictures so sorry for the loading time)












and yeah i'm fatter than i was, but i'm trying to get back into shape again for whoever my partner's gonna be..

***note: if you don't want to read about rantings then you'd have trouble with this because this would be a long one. and it's been a long time since i've made an entry here....***

xxx

i feel lonely. i feel alone. no, i'm not being an emo just because i have long hair. i still give out laughs and talk with people. it's just that lately there's one emotion or feeling that i haven't experienced in a long long time.
yes people appreciate me for who I am and for what I do (maybe), but I still feel deep down that i am not appreciated or that no one appreciates me. yes, friend and co-workers do, and parents and other people, but not to that level that i'm yearning for right now.
it has been a long time since i have called someone something that is not the person's real name, and not a term of endearment for a friend. actually it's not that that i'm missing, i mean it's only a term and i could call anyone anything.
i don't know... maybe i just need to exercise a lot so i could have lots of endorphins rushing in my body to make me happy. they say exercising releases endorphins which make you happier or something. well exercising has been something that i haven't done as i used to a year ago, so maybe all the endorphins have already left my body so now i'm feeling sad or alone or something.
the only time that i don't feel this is when i'm doing something that needs my attention like being at work: taking calls, typing, being engage in a conversation... those times when i don't get to think about myself 100 percent.. or 80 percent because sometimes i get this feeling while eating my lunch which is 4 hours earlier than noon, or when i'm outside during breaks.
or when i'm with friends. i don't get to think about it when i'm out with them drinking. so maybe that's one reason why i'm tagged as "kaladkarin" because i would join anyone who would invite me to grab a few beers or shots. and then i don't feel it.. and then i feel it towards the end, those times when i'm left out with nothing to say, staring at randomly just enything and then have time again to think while everyone is talking and getting more shots (or someone's puking already in the background)
and then i feel it again. i just don't want to feel it anymore. i mean hey, no one wants to feel this and i'm part of that.
i guess this isn't serious anyway, like i can still go to work and perform, and still cook food for the family and play online games and eat and drink and do stuff like i usually do. well yeah maybe i just need to exercise to get those fucking endorphins.
and also to get my previous body back which is better, or get a body which is better than that. so maybe when i do that i'd be getting 2 things at the same time: be happier and have a better body. i wanna have those.
i'm thinking of getting a gym membership. but then again i could use the money to get a new pair of jeans or a jacket or a new pair of shoes 'cause i really need them. or get a few buckets of beer and some sisig and kinilaw na tanigue. yum.
also i assesed that i'm not at a point were i'd just feel okay if for example someone would do something sweet for me and i kind of like the person and then i would find out after that that the person's just kind and just being sweet to everyone and then just be okay about it... well i confirmed last night that at this point if that scenario happens then i would not be okay after it, because honestly at that point i was hoping and wishing that at least it was real but then turns out it was just a joke (meaning just a friendly joke).
anyway maybe now's not the time yet. i would first need to get regularized at my work, and then work out and shape up this body, be a better person so that if that one person would arrive i'd be a perfect partner. i want to be perfect for whoever that would be. i just want to be perfect for him.
anyway back to doing stuff again... have work later and i would have to sleep now.