A new blog, a new me! (hopefully haha)

there was this koreanovela that i loved watching. i liked that certain soap. and just a few moments ago i watched it again. on dvd.
okay fine, usually when i make a post i filter most of it. i don't mention things, titles, sexes. tonight i'll just let it all out. i need to post this just to let it out.
it's coffee prince. i loved watching that tv soap before... and what has captivated me to watch it is because there was a gender issue that was injected to it. yes, about the gayness thing. i'm gay. so what?
so today i watched it again. actually it wasn't watching, it was part skimming and part watching. i was skipping some of the scenes that weren't that interesting to me.
yeah, i went to tears on those times when she was ignored by the guy, or when she felt tortured because of what the guy was doing. okay okay, kill me. i'm a sucker for those kinds of scenes.
but what made me turn the dvd off was the part when they were talking on cellphone, the day when the guy finally gave in and said somewhere the lines of "whether you're a man or an alien let's go as far as it goes". when they were about to sleep and they called each other to have some chat before turning in to sleep.
that warm feeling. i felt it again that familiar feeling. a little less than 2 years ago i was doing that. 30 minutes before sleeping i would go out of the house, out of the gate and sit on the sidewalk of the house next to us. i can't do that in the house because my parents would kill me, and i can't in my bedroom because the signal was terrible in the bedroom. that's already on globe, what more for sun right? haha sun. the network for lovers.
i even remember one time as i was stuck in conversation a dog peed on me. i don't know. perhaps the dog thought i was a big rock or something for sitting outside more than 30 minutes?
i would switch the sim to sun, then call a certain number. i would just sit there on the sidewalk and talk and talk and talk.
i missed that. i miss caring for someone. i miss being cared by someone. i miss hearing "i miss you already" even though you just parted ways 4 or 5 hours ago. i miss being question on what i've been doing outside for more than 30 minutes. i miss hearing the word 'baby' more than 3 times in a minute. i miss looking at the stars while saying how i feel. i miss sitting on that sidewalk and feel so blessed and not a care in the world as to what other people might think i'm doing there. i miss feeling appreciated. i miss feeling loved. i miss being loved.
i miss that feeling of having something, something that is yours. even if it's not legal.
yeah, gay lovers are not that accepted yet, the reason why i go out of the house to make those phone calls. and it was also the reason that i was able to enjoy talks on the phone while sitting on the sidewalk, looking at the stars while saying what i feel, what i've been doing, what i am to do next...
december 19 is going to be my 2nd year of being single. yeah, when is he going to be here? when will i get to know him? if ever he's someone that i already know, when will i realize that it's him?
i'm not in love with the idea of being in love. i just want to feel appreciated and loved again after a long time. most of the times i don't feel that, and i hate the feeling of not feeling that.

sunday is the only time that i usually have the "normal" breakfast, meaning that's the only time i get to eat at 7 or 8 am our time. i usually eat my breakfast around 9 or 10 pm... being assigned mostly at 12 midnight would make me go home 8:30 am, and yeah there were times that i was assigned 10 pm and get home 6:30... but still that's not the "normal" breakfast, if you know what i mean. and usually when i'm still up 7 am or 8 am my office mates and friends would drink after the shift, so it's rare that i'm home and cooking breakfast during the mornings...

so the past sunday, i had the chance again to just do that... after my friday shift, which was saturday morning my office mates and i had a FEW drinks, only a few since i was somewhat sick with coughs and colds, so i was able to go home around 2 pm. and from there i just slept through... woke up 10 pm, ate a little and went back to bed, woke up around 4 am, surfed a little then dozed a little until 6 am, and then had the chance to cook breakfast for my family...

i was thinking of cooking hotdogs, or bacon which is another favorite of mine, and some eggs but there were no hotdogs or bacon in the fridge (duh, i was the only one who's buying those bacons and hotdogs since my mom actually doesn't like meat. she would go for chicken or fish, because the doctor advised her, and she's somewhat health conscious..) so i looked at what's in stock and found a can of vienna sausages. i haven't had those in years (serious!) so i opened it and just had it microwaved with it's juices included. and there were some chopped tomatoes in the fridge so i got 'em and made them into scrambled eggs... well not scrambled and not omelletes though, it was in the middle of those 2. don't get it? just look at the pics:

like what a song said, everything's gonna be alright... i guess i was just at the moment of the depression, but now everything's getting better.
if i'll just stay there, sulk and be miserable i wouldn't be able to do anything.
i should be finding the solution to the problem.
yes, crying is healthy but you shouldn't cry about the exact same thing for years. crying can help you, but shouldn't be done too much.
i should enjoy life. there's so much to enjoy about it. i just don't see it because i was just focused on 1 thing, that depression that i was feeling. there's got to be more to life.

i've just bought a cookbook so that when a free time comes i could cook something new. cooking is 1 of the things i enjoy in life. you are able to do something with love, you try to put the right ingredients and spice it up and balance the flavor... cook something good then enjoy it afterwards.

i'm supposed to post a picture of the pomodoro i've made around monday (and some others that i wasn't able to post) but the cam's at my room and currently it's being rennovated. i could actually get it but i'm too lazy to get it hehe..

pomodoro is a simple pasta dish which is made up of tomatoes, garlic, oil and basil. i love garlic and tomatoes and basil so liked it so much when a friend cooked it during 1 of our drinking sessions.

this weekend i'm gonna try making one of those in the cookbook i bought. the cookbok is just at 100 pesos and it's packed with easy to do recipes.

and since i don't have the cam, i'll just post random pics haha

after a long time.. yeah it's been a long time since i've done a few things that i wasn't able to do before...

1st is posting... yeah lately i've lost the passion to make a post. if i had the camera with me then i would have posted something before when i cooked some stuff but i didn't have it with me when i cooked sinigang na gulay (haha i call it like that because it didn't have any meat in it) and pancit canton. while browsing through some books at national i saw a recipe for what it calls "stuffed tofu"... can't remember anymore what exactly are the ingredients and amounts, but i remember how it is made so when i have the time i'll try to make one without a recipe. hahaha

2nd... i was able to read a book. yeah i don't read books that much to be honest with you. i was never fond of reading books. i've only finished 2 books in my entire life. it's because of the power outage yesterday that i was able to set my eyes on a book again. thanks to the brown-out!

3rd is... 1st time i've yearned for someone like this in a long time. yeah i've been single since december of 2007 and i'm gonna be single for two years when december of this year arrives. yeah, i've felt sad a few times but i've never felt this depressed since like forever.
i was able to shrug it off a lot of times but now it's something i can't take away from me. to add the fact that i'm getting fat makes it a little more depressing.
i know looks aren't everything. a friend responded to a profile description i made. the description i wrote was:
...i would like to have a better body so i'd be perfect for whoever's gonna be my partner...

he said:
".....you don't have to do this. this is extremely ridiculous and insane! wag mong gawing tanga ang sarili mo. u'v been blinded by the blinds.
.....mahalin mo kc ang sarili mo. hindi mo kailangang kainin ang sasabihin ng iba. respeto sa sarili; thinking this way, mas ginagago mo ang sarili mo kung akala mo lng. tsk tsk. pasalamat ka, may mga tunay kang kaibigang anjan para bumatok sayo.."

it was a nice thing for him to say that. i needed that. i felt better with that. thanks!

but then for after an hour, it's there again... depression's crushing me again.

things happened in my life the year of 2007. met someone, been with someone, left someone. i know my past relationships weren't something to be proud of, they were bull. but it was that time when i wasn't fat and my hair was short.
yes. short.

from the word "short" i remembered just now as i'm typing that: someone told me that what's in for guys like me nowadays is sporting short hair, and that hair cut short would look best for me, and it's maybe the reason why i'm still single.

well my reason for having long hair? it's something i've wanted to have since i was in high school. and yes, my hair isn't naturally straight. i had it rebonded. don't blame me. it's also what i've wanted since i was in grade school: to have hair that looks straight and healthy compared to what i have before: ugly, wavy (that looks messy and dead).

i was even teased "toupe" when i was in grade school for having bad looking hair. as i describe it, it's wavy-ness isn't manageable, and i called it "bulbol". my hair then actually looked like it's patay na buhok. and i was teased on my hair.

so i had it cut short (aside from the reason it's needed for COCC) and then someone said i look like a basagulerong jose rizal.

and because of the ugly waviness of my hair i've been pondering on the thought of having it straightened since high school, but my mom said it's a chemical process and my hair would be damaged and i'll go bald. so okay i dismissed the thought of having it straightened.

okay back to the story.. what i'm saying is, i know looks aren't everything. but based on what i was in 2007 i just can't stop thinking that i'm being judged for how i look like and not for who i am, what i am like and what i can do..

i just want to be loved i guess. for who i am.

yeah, tell me that i'm being too paranoid, close-minded, childish, whatever you want to.... but i feel depressed. that's what i'm feeling now. and so every reason that i can think of keeps piling up.

i know i promised not to post something sad ever again but i just can't stop. if i don't release this i may go crazy later on. this is my outlet aside from drinking and going out with friends.

to make something long shorter here it is: i feel like i don't exist. i don't feel loved and i just feel like i'm just someone who isn't special.
in the movies, it's like i'm just "extra # 5" or "the good friend #2".
in a movie it would be the line, i "feel so alone amidst a sea of people"
in a song it would be ocean deep. i wanna spread my wings but i just can't fly as a string of pearls and pretty guys go sailing by... i'm afraid to show my feelings... i'll keep [my feelings] ocean deep.
in a book, i would be the mental patient who would everyday lie down on the floor face down just for someone to notice her, and then go back to her room before the day ends.
come to think of it, maybe that's the reason why i'm sobrang galawgaw sa floor when i'm at work. i wanted to get noticed.

yeah this person i like is on the floor, and to be honest i don't know anything about that agent. yeah i know this isn't love, this is just attraction, i don't even know anything, and we're not even acquainted. but i'm hoping, and i'm thinking that it would be good to feel at least appreciated by someone you like... which i haven't felt in a long time. i hope it would be soon, not after a long time...

though i know i'm feeling down and am feeling unappreciated, i've learned to look at the positive side of things.. i always do.
and these are the times that this state of mind is needed. and it's actually a good way to look at everything when it gets you depressed or frustrated on what's happening in your life.
learn how to look at the bright side of things. yes shit happens, and you can't control the shit. you step on it sometimes when you're on the street, and you can't dictate the dogs on where they dump it. you can train them but you can't pin point at what exact spot on that little piece of soil left in the world they should be dropping it.
being single for a long time is sort of depressing, but there are advantages on it too.. i can go out with friends any time of the day without having to worry. i can do anything. i can spend more time with myself. i can love myself more.

and so i'm going away from posting self pity posts and sad lines.

this time i'm just going to enjoy it.. i'm going to refocus. i'm going to use it to my advantage.

and the best part is you can do your hobbies as well.

and one of that is cooking.

so here are some pictures of what i do when i'm in the kitchen...
(this is full of pictures so sorry for the loading time)












and yeah i'm fatter than i was, but i'm trying to get back into shape again for whoever my partner's gonna be..

***note: if you don't want to read about rantings then you'd have trouble with this because this would be a long one. and it's been a long time since i've made an entry here....***

xxx

i feel lonely. i feel alone. no, i'm not being an emo just because i have long hair. i still give out laughs and talk with people. it's just that lately there's one emotion or feeling that i haven't experienced in a long long time.
yes people appreciate me for who I am and for what I do (maybe), but I still feel deep down that i am not appreciated or that no one appreciates me. yes, friend and co-workers do, and parents and other people, but not to that level that i'm yearning for right now.
it has been a long time since i have called someone something that is not the person's real name, and not a term of endearment for a friend. actually it's not that that i'm missing, i mean it's only a term and i could call anyone anything.
i don't know... maybe i just need to exercise a lot so i could have lots of endorphins rushing in my body to make me happy. they say exercising releases endorphins which make you happier or something. well exercising has been something that i haven't done as i used to a year ago, so maybe all the endorphins have already left my body so now i'm feeling sad or alone or something.
the only time that i don't feel this is when i'm doing something that needs my attention like being at work: taking calls, typing, being engage in a conversation... those times when i don't get to think about myself 100 percent.. or 80 percent because sometimes i get this feeling while eating my lunch which is 4 hours earlier than noon, or when i'm outside during breaks.
or when i'm with friends. i don't get to think about it when i'm out with them drinking. so maybe that's one reason why i'm tagged as "kaladkarin" because i would join anyone who would invite me to grab a few beers or shots. and then i don't feel it.. and then i feel it towards the end, those times when i'm left out with nothing to say, staring at randomly just enything and then have time again to think while everyone is talking and getting more shots (or someone's puking already in the background)
and then i feel it again. i just don't want to feel it anymore. i mean hey, no one wants to feel this and i'm part of that.
i guess this isn't serious anyway, like i can still go to work and perform, and still cook food for the family and play online games and eat and drink and do stuff like i usually do. well yeah maybe i just need to exercise to get those fucking endorphins.
and also to get my previous body back which is better, or get a body which is better than that. so maybe when i do that i'd be getting 2 things at the same time: be happier and have a better body. i wanna have those.
i'm thinking of getting a gym membership. but then again i could use the money to get a new pair of jeans or a jacket or a new pair of shoes 'cause i really need them. or get a few buckets of beer and some sisig and kinilaw na tanigue. yum.
also i assesed that i'm not at a point were i'd just feel okay if for example someone would do something sweet for me and i kind of like the person and then i would find out after that that the person's just kind and just being sweet to everyone and then just be okay about it... well i confirmed last night that at this point if that scenario happens then i would not be okay after it, because honestly at that point i was hoping and wishing that at least it was real but then turns out it was just a joke (meaning just a friendly joke).
anyway maybe now's not the time yet. i would first need to get regularized at my work, and then work out and shape up this body, be a better person so that if that one person would arrive i'd be a perfect partner. i want to be perfect for whoever that would be. i just want to be perfect for him.
anyway back to doing stuff again... have work later and i would have to sleep now.

*and again another outlet. this is just an outlet of what i feel so don't be cruel haha*

xxx

this isn't normal
what there is after what has happened
yeah, i haven't even experienced normal yet
so what would give me the right to say
that this not normal?

yes, i had you
but after that i don't feel you anymore
it happened once and would never be
and yes i should stop now
on looking forward to another ride

but then from time to time
though uncalled for keeps going back
remembering what happened wouldn't help
but my mind, my playful mind
dreams and goes back again.

my heart says the yearning has died
but my mind keeps on going, thinking
over and over on what is here now
yes, having nothing at all
is really becoming disturbing.

and now i feel dead.

*this isn't professional poetry or anything like that. just an outlet of what i feel*

xxx


and then i see you again
caught myself staring
at that one picture of you
innocently yet candidly eating

this emotion has been buried deep
but is forcing its way out again
screaming and longing to get out
break free from self preservation

oh how i wish i'd be there
and join you in your feast
and share the same spoon and cup
just to have that indirect kiss

for that spoon and cup is the only way
that i'd be the closest to your lips
for your lips was and is owned already
by someone even i don't see

it may be vague but it's what i pretty much cherish in my life.

disclaimer: don't assume. and the next set of lines may cause intrigues. pm for confirmation.
xxx

once you're there you keep wanting more
i wanted more
or so i thought

never thought this would come
seems like it's only of dreams unreachable
yet now there i was
i've had you

but only for a day
just for a moment
i just borrowed you from him
your time and your soul
i've embraced and drowned myself in

though it was unplanned
and though it is unrighteous
there i grabbed the chance
the only chance that i had

to be with you
just to hold you
just one time
before i let you go back to him

if only we could go further
but then again i wouldn't be able to
he's more fitting to you than i am

perhaps i'll just settle for the jeep
the next jeep
that will take me home
to a home that i'll be proud of

perhaps i'll just wait for the next cab
with the comfortable leather seats
and that one in tip top shape
to take me to where i should be

perhaps i'll wait for the next bus
or whatever vehicle would be next
for you are that car
comfortable and cool
yet i can only ride you once
in this avenue i am on.

your familiar voice
is now unheard
as i enter the gate that you've constantly guarded

your fur and scent
and what you do to your son
is nowhere in the air
and is now left undone

you left and never came back
though when you leave i always find you back

but now i just pray
that if ever that was your last day
i hope nothing tragic came to you
that they haven't hurt you

and if God did take you back
i just hope you went peacefully
without pain
i do hope that you went without pain...

**don't know why this wasn't posted here. baka na-deactivate ko yung cross-posting**
***another title would be: hayok or tigang. hahaha

i'm starting to lose hope.

in millions of faces i've seen
i still haven't laid eyes on you.

or maybe i'm looking but not actually seeing
maybe now's not the time
but i do hope that you'll be with me
that you'll be mine
and i'll be yours
i have been reserving myself
for so long
so much that when i'll see you
i'll lock you up and ravish you.

i find myself staring at you
as you lick your lips
and suck on your teeth

you turn me on with your ordinary
though unintentional and effortless
makes me want to take a bite on you

to press on those lips
and get a taste of your tongue
to hold you in my arms
and kiss till your breathe consumes mine
embrace me tight till my bones crackle
till i let all go and till i'm whole

each day makes my heart grow fonder
i find myself yearning for you
more and more, wanting to be closer
to be nearer is far from reality
yet imagining that you're with me
makes me yearn more of your touch, or even just your company

just a bit of your attention makes me smile
call me shallow
every little thing you do affects me
you make me want to be better everyday

i'll be one of the best
so that you'd always notice me
and eventually i hope you'd come to me
be with me
not as what we are now but as what you wouldn't show others
not the attention you give to everyone but the one that is very unique
that is only for me
that i would only feel and nobody else

I was tagged by debbie in facebook, so here it is:

THE RULES
a. Write something about 15 different people.
b. You can NOT say who they are.
c. If someone asks you which one is about them, you can NOT tell.
d. Tag 15 people who you think would do this, too. You don't have to tag the people you wrote about.

person #1:
"i miss you, and i missed you...i remember our times during our childhood days when i'd go there in my pyjamas, that's how early i'd go there, or i was just lazy to change. i miss playing monopoly, the edition for children, and i also miss those days we play mario brothers on your nintendo and us watching power rangers. when you went back here after years of being away, i was just shy to go over or even call you, i just waited for you to call first or something, since it's been years already. so please don't think that i just forgot you, or something like that."

person #2:
"i don't know if i'd make it this far in life without you. you've always been there. you were always the one who gave me advice and the directions when everything is unclear. you were always there to hear my problems and what i feel, and you introduced me to the "dark side" if you know what i mean (laughs)... you're my best friend, and i am really happy that you are my best friend."

person #3:
"it's a good decision to end it. you haven't seen my efforts, or if you did you just brushed it aside and acted like a brat. one of the feelings that i don't ever like is the feeling of not being appreciated, and the feeling of apologizing even though i haven't started it, to the point that i don't know already why i'm saying sorry. saying sorry when i feel i shouldn't. i experienced that a lot with you. i think you should grow up."

person #4:
"the girl with the 'singer' look. this is what i told you the time we were introduced in a coffee shop. i feel great that we're friends now, and i enjoy your company. your laugh is unique, and i haven't heard a laugh from anyone similar to yours. being happy suits you better, and i hope you find it, now that you have someone that i know *yikkeeeekkk! uuyy!*

person #5:
"you're an example that there are people who can interact with people of different types, or sexuality. you are comfortable with yours. and that being smart and creative can't be seen on how a person looks like. you're the first person i've been with that feels comfortable at being applied on the nails with 'cutex' by a girl. it's interesting."

person #6:
"yes, we've known each other for two months by the exchange of text messages, but it just shows that exchanging text messages isn't enough. i still didn't know you fully back then, which just shows why i didn't know of your other "activities". you made me cry in a mall, being looked at by people -that yes i don't know personally and i wouldn't get to meet them again but still it wasn't a good experience- and i don't want to experience that again. i just hope your ex knows about it, and if it is the reason for the break-up then good thing."

person #7:
"you are happy i know. i look at both of you as the perfect couple. i like you, i know, but you are my friend, so i don't do anything na kaahasan out of respect and because of my own principles in life. and you are my friend that's why i don't confess how i feel. it's better to be friends with you for you're already taken. and i like your company. i would like it to stay that way."

person #8:
"and you are again someone i dreamed of being with. but it's not possible at this point. you're with someone now, someone i don't even know of and i haven't even seen. no presence, no picture. and i don't even see any signs that you like me, so i haven't done anything. i guess we're just not meant for each other."

person #9:
" you're a very hard-working and responsible person. you've done everything that made me who i am today. i'm really sorry that i haven't taken you to where you should be, to what you are really worthy of. you deserve better, better than what we are at right now."

person #10:
"yes we weren't 'us'. you saw me for two weeks because you were heartbroken. i do understand that you wanted to forget him, or to be back with him. we went out for days, and when that thought popped into my head i just brushed it off. but it was true. when you told me that you still love him, i cried. your friend said "why are you crying when you both aren't even officially together?" your friend had a point. but when you said that, that you still love him, that was the same day i said to myself that i was beginning to like you, or love you, or whatever."

person #11:
"you don't even exist yet. or a better statement would be: i still haven't met you yet. i just hope that you'd meet me in time. I don't want to sing "bakit ngayon ka lang" endlessly at every karaoke night."

person #12:
"i hope you're doing well. it's hard to be away from your hometown. you weren't confident at being accepted but look at where you're now. you've made it. and now I and your other friends miss you. we miss drinking with you, and i miss the time when i pumped out the vomit on the sink using my hands because you were embarassed at making the mess, when you should have vomited on the 'toilet bowl' instead. hahaha honestly that was fun. we'd get drunk weekly. we even drank while doing our thesis. i miss you so much, and i miss drinking with you and the others."

person #13:
"i know that you didn't like to get pregnant. but it happened. I just wish that the guy would be a good father, and that you'd have a happy life with him."

person #14:
"you defended me, and you've spoken on my behalf, the words that couldn't come out of my mouth during that time. i really thank you for that. and now that we're at different areas and different professions, we haven't had a drink together. i miss your company."

person #15:
"you just don't know what you're capable of back then, but look at you now: you're good! i dreamed of being in advertising also but nah, i'm not good enough for that. i'd probably make every commercial provocative. among our friends you were the one who i thought would be the most successful since you're someone who likes projects and stress, which i find weird. but if it does you good then why not. just don't forget to relax from time to time."

i tag nyl, almi,jamie, jonel, kuya rg, rani, carding, sining, kylie, jere (if you're not tagged yet), ubix, cube, reginald, stephen, ling PC ^_^

i think that you guys would do it so i chose you guys...so do it okay? it's fun to write about 15 diff people. it doesn't necessarily have to be 15 people that you would tag. i wrote of people that i didn't tag, or doesn't have an account)

at some point i fancy
on how would it be
if it is us, instead of you and him

i think of things to come
conversations we'd engage in
same as those moments you share
of the interesting thoughts you tell
you'd be the most bright
well bred, the most refined
most wise, most true
as true as you've always been

i would drown myself in your words
and take a burn in my airways with you
spend my nights in your company
feel your heart
as you share your mind
embrace your body
as you feed my soul

show my true color
as you bare your every flaws
savour every moment that i'd be with you

you'd save me from all of my insecurities
release me from the cell i had locked myself in

but then again it's early to tell
if you are the one i've been wating for
and then again it's hard to tell
since your heart is with someone else

it's already week 2 of my training days with Stellar... currently we do typing exercises, dictations and reading exercises everyday... f.y.i. dictations (dictation exercises) is where an article is being read by the trainer (or a recording is being played) and you have to type them in. i'm really enjoying this part of the training, since i do love typing... i don't know why haha.. i'm not a touch typist, i still have to look at the keyboard from time to time, but i can still type fast : )

what i'm really nervous about is on what's to happen on Friday. this would be the fateful day wherein we're going to be assessed if we passed for this part of the training by the clients themselves! what's going to happen is we're going to have a little chit chat with the client, then proceed to dictations....read by the client. but of course before I could proceed further, the day before that i would still need to pass the typing test, and do good with the remaining days to have a good record.... and if i pass, i would continue on with the rest of the training...

i'm not really stressed by the training, but i'm worried of what's to come. of course there is a chance that i wouldn't be accepted since on one of the previous waves i think there were 9 that didn't make the cut. and also i admit that i'm not the perfect agent any company could have, and i'm still not that confident with my communication skills but still i really would like to be in. this has been the job i've been dreaming of landing.

i really would like to pass this. i want to be in. i'll just do my best and move forward...

That's what I feel right now. Yeah, you could feel them both at the same time. Wanna know why?

Read on..

So I went to Cubao Friday morning to apply for a position in the IP Relay. I was really nervous the whole time. I even spilled coffee on the table while I was waiting for my turn on the final interview.

I passed the exams, but not with flying colors, since I had some problems with the spelling test. Yep, I lacked three points of the passing mark, so I was made to take the spelling test again. And then one more time.

Seriously, I was really at that point wherein i was hoping, wishing, and several thoughts came popping into my head:
"I want to be in."
"I want to be here."
"I need this."
"I wish I was more intelligent."
"Please, let me in."

So after my third take on it, my name was called again, and the guy who was facilitating it told me that I still didn't make it, but because it's just two points that i needed and because of the results with my other exams (really, that's what he said!) they'd reconsider, and so I was scheduled for the final interview. Yey!

So, to make it short, I passed! Training was scheduled Monday.

To celebrate it, I went out but only with my best friend, since Debbie and Jere wasn't available. We had two bottles of this Gilbey's drink that we already had before but up until now I still don't know what it's called. After some talks and another half of a glass, I thought of going to this bar in Makati. But since Nyl can't come with me, I decided to go there alone.

The place was good, and there were some cute singles and couples in the place. But I was just alone, and I didn't dance even though the music was great. So after 4 bottles of beer, I decided to go home.

I was somewhat down because I haven't met anyone there. Anyway before going there I decided to just go and have fun even though I wouldn't meet anyone (and since I've been fancying on the idea of going to one alone). But it's just that I hoped that I would be able to meet someone or get to know someone. Maybe I was there at the wrong time. Or maybe I should have done something, I don't know.

So then I left, and as I arrived at Philcoa I went straight to Jollibee and bought myself a Chicken and Spaghetti meal. Comfort food.

And as I walked through that sidewalk in Philcoa, I uttered to myself: "Putang ina, hahanapin kita sa Stellar."

Just minutes ago, I was watching this video on youtube, and it awakened an old dream of mine: my dream of being in Japan. Actually, I dreamed of being an exchange student in Japan. And I dreamed of being born in Japan, or having a vacation in Japan. But what I ultimately wanted to do is to experience their culture, and to be able to wear Japanese high school uniform. I think their high school uniform is awesome, and I like to experience flying sakura blossoms here and there. No joke!

I like the idea of walking to school while wearing those black or dark blue long-sleeved, handsomely collared uniforms. And I like to visit their temples, and just experience being with their people, and to go to places that are really beautiful and captivating.

When I was a child, I had this book regarding cultures and customs, and that is the very title of the book. And aside from that I also was able to find this book about Japan with more details and pictures of it (it even had their story of how the world was created, like their version of the Creation, and Malakas and Maganda), and the pictures of the places there, the people, their clothes: they really captivated me, and since I was a child I wanted to be there.
I even had this idea before that maybe if I was born there I would fit in better because of my asian looks, and that maybe I'd have a better life there. hehehe


more:
fashion in japan dot com - trendy clothing
fashion in japan dot com - young clothing
japanese streets dot com