A new blog, a new me! (hopefully haha)

Just an hour before noon, instead of sleeping (which I usually do because of my work sched) I got myself to clean my room, errr, half of it actually. Like a spring cleaning, but during Christmas. You know, where you throw out the stuff that you've kept before 'cause you think it's still important, then you just forget about it and now it is accumulating space?
Yep, I was able to fill two big shopping bags of stuff that I threw away. Surprisingly, I didn't feel sleepy while doing it. It's actually not the cleaning part that I enjoyed, but going through stuff that brings back memories.
I was able to run through a lot while I was sorting them out:
-flyers from the college job fair, where promises of immediate hiring are written. I was able to remenisce the different places I went to just to apply for a job. doing tests and interviews, then hearing from them after 2 months or so.
-my name pin at Shangri-La. This is somewhat one of the...well you can say 'bitter' memories that I had. And I'm not even sure what I'm being bitter about 'cause it's not clear what happened with my training there. Like three days of work then suddenly bye-bye. I did what I can while I was there, I even got tips. But I guess it happened for a reason.I can't see myself working in the hotel anymore.
-drawings. Some were uber funny that I had to keep it.
-sketch of a 'floor plan' for my room. I still want it to be put to work. Well, my room's outline is almost the same, I would just need to buy a new desk, a round rug, pillows and a nice TV.... and a new closet, repaint the walls, have the light fixed, buy a new mirror. Woah, lots of stuff to do.
-application forms of my current company. Remembered how I rushed my documents within two and a half days. When I signed the contract, I was advised that if I wanted to start training ASAP to rush my documents because the next batch would start in a week. And that's what I did, so now I'm here.
-leather gloves. This was lent to me by a college friend. He lent it to me when I tried their gym at their condo, but I guess he forgot about it, so they are still with me.
-copies of my thesis. Remembered the fights that occured because of it. And of what happened during the defense.
-2 Timezone powercards. Those reloadable plastic cards for the arcade. I miss those times when my classmates and I, or Nyl and I (and Almi and RG sometimes) would go there and play air hockey or karaoke, or that horse game that makes your thighs sore.
-movie tickets. It's for Sex and the City and Speed Racer. I collect the tickets as souvenir. And when I enjoy the movie and the people I am with.
-price tag of a polo shirt I bought. I kept it, not just because the tag itself looks good, but because it's one of the polo shirts that I love, and it costed me a lot more than the usual. You see, it's one of those shirts on the stores wherein when you see them, you can't take it off of your mind and you just have to go back there and purchase them. Well, that's what it's about. Really, after going through the other shops I went back there after two hours just to buy it.
-college notes. I don't know why I keep some of them. But there was this one activity in a subject that caught my attention the most. It is one of those that yeah, you know you wrote it, but I weren't able to know until reading three or four sentences. It's one of those that you wouldn't believe you wrote it yourself. It's just that I already forgot about it, and then it popped out of nowhere. (and it's a sensitive topic that involves recordings of conversations.)
-and some other stuff that is somewhat private and can't include here.
It's like the desk alone where I got all these things is like a vault of memories wherein I am the only one who would know about them when I see them. And I didn't throw everything out. I am somewhat sentimental so I kept a whole box and a folder of those that I didn't want to throw out.
The good thing here is my room now is 50% cleaner. And I was able to run through my memories again.

It's Christmas again, and I remember the days wherein this holiday season is one of those that I look forward to and enjoy every year. But this year, it has changed.

As I logged in on my Avaya (the phone set that is used in call centers) I felt like something is missing this year. I should be at home was what I was thinking as I was setting up the programs to be used for my work. Usually at 9PM of December 24, I'm at home cooking and preparing the ever-present spaghetti and fruit salad. Dressing up for the Christmas mass. Sending text messages, greeting everyone a merry Christmas. Looking forward to the inuman later on.

But just this past night, at that time I was in front of the monitor, worrying if my team lead would fry me on Friday for being late 10 minutes, becoming anxious of whether majority of my calls would be bad calls. Honestly, I wasn't happy during this shift. I was hoping that something would come up, particularly this: that they would announce at 10 for everyone to log off and go back home as a Christmas treat to all of us. But still the hours went on while being in front of th e LCD monitor. It completely replaced the Christmas lights that I always look at and admire when I was a child.

Oh how I missed Christmas. I thought I would be able to endure being away from home while I was hearing everyone on the floor great everyone a merry Christmas 12 midnight. No, I did not cry at that time, but instead I find myself crying 11 hours later while typing this entry.

Missing out on a lot of holiday activities this year did not sink in quickly. I realized just now what i missed when all of it has already passed. Yes I know, I would still be able to live without these, but to realize that you missed on several things that you enjoy every single year? That's what's killing me.

I wasn't able to attend our yearly Christmas party with my highschool friends last week. I wasn't able to be there with my family during that midnight. I wasn't able to have a drink with friends at our beighborhood after that midnight. I wasn't able to say yes to my college friends when they told me that they are going out to drink. And why? Because of this job.

Now I'm not even sure if I am still able to hold on to my job. I am missing a lot of people because of this. It's not that the people at work aren't pleasant, I love the people i'm with at the office. It's just that I wasn't able to join those that I love to be with, specially during this special occasion. I used to be the person who would always say yes at the drop of a hat when someone invites me to go out and have a drink or do whatever. But this December, I wasn't able to be that guy. And I wish for that part of me to come back.

But still, I will go on. I will stay with my current job. I need this.

Anyway, Merry Christmas guys!

---This entry was made a month ago. And it still is true.---

This isn't about the movie with girls fighting, or the video game.

Lately, I'm beginning to think about quitting my job. I do feel stressed with it. It's like most of the time, I find myself dragging itself to work, like if I only had the choice of not going to work for a week then I wouldn't. But then again, we need to work or else, no bucks, and a bad record on file.

The problem is, I'm really not that interested with what I handle at work. Cars? Woah, I don't even know how to drive. I'm not even interested in them. And irate customers who wish for cost assistance even if they are already out of the parameters. What a life.

I was just thinking: what if I just waited for HSBC to call me? Would I be happier? Looking through bulletin posts at an online community for call center agents, I've seen some comments that if the position offered is for customer assistance, then it would be toxic. No thanks.

My ideal job is like this: I have the service, people call me for that, and I give them that service where I am very efficient at. (Note: not a 1-800 BRITNEY hotline or anything erotic). Meaning something wherein when you call, you would know automatically that that call is something that is within a specific range. Not like what I have now: a call comes in, and good luck: it would range from warranties to vehicle operations, up to vehicle complaints, reimbursements, bluetooth pairing, parts delay, some supervisor calls, dealer complaints and others. Others say it's just easy, but I still find it hard.

I just hope that I would be placed in something that is somewhat with a boundary. I want to be efficient, and even though it would be repetitive, I don't care. I'm the type of person who can go on and on being repetitive, just to know that I am being the best in that task. I don't want doing something wherein I'm not good at.

Just 5 minutes ago, I caught myself staring at the pictures on my slide at my homepage here in Multiply. Literally. Lying on the bed while looking at the screen. I miss my old self.

I miss the times when all I worry about is getting above passing grades, and if I would be able to or should spend my allowance on drinking or just eating whatever. I miss the times when my classmates and I would head to Cubao or some other place after class and just drink. I miss the times when after classes I would head to Nyl's condo and just do whatever: drink coffee, drink beer, play Boggle, just chat.

Okay. Seems like every sentence on the previous paragraph has the word drink or drinking in it. Hahahaha.

I miss my old self who seems to be happy most of the time. I guess I'm not that happy right now. I don't know. Maybe I'm not enjoying work.

But I think what keeps me going is the people that I am with. They made my stay in the office pleasant and memorable. If ever I was assigned to a team with members who snobs you on your first day then maybe I wouldn't be working the next week.

But mind you: they're not my teammates anymore, but I'm still able to be with them on the floor or go wherever with them. I really did not want to leave the team but I had to. I was part of the last four people in the team that entered the floor, so four of us were transferred to other teams. But I'm still with them, and it touched me. If only I had a choice I wouldn't leave the team. I already like the team.

I just thought: yes, I might be missing my old self. But if I were to remain as my old self then perhaps I wouldn't be able to do what I can do now: pay for my own clothes, eat out with friends, and sit in a coffee shop.

REALLY. You would never be successful in convincing to stay in a coffee shop before. My friends know that. They even tease me that I am angry at the lady in the logo of Starbucks. It's just that when I was still in college, I'm thinking that it isn't practical to spend 140 pesos for a cup of coffee because it was pricey and there were lots of people in it. Before I am usually in a coffee shop just when my friends and I are waiting for someone else to arrive, or when I'm with my friends who I'm not able to see for months now and then decided to stay in a coffee shop to catch up on what's happening with each of us. Really, if I would decide where to stay: a bar or a coffee shop? I would choose to stay in a bar, because I don't feel good when I'm at coffee shops, because I feel like I'm paying for a pricey cup when I don't even earn my own money. But now, I feel more at ease (but not completely) to stay. And it's not because of the coffee but because of my friends, the people I am with. And also because I already have a job, hahaha.

Come to think of it, maybe I just miss the people that have been a part of my life. I miss being with them. I'm sorry, I'm just wide awake when everyone else is already asleep.