A new blog, a new me! (hopefully haha)

sunday is the only time that i usually have the "normal" breakfast, meaning that's the only time i get to eat at 7 or 8 am our time. i usually eat my breakfast around 9 or 10 pm... being assigned mostly at 12 midnight would make me go home 8:30 am, and yeah there were times that i was assigned 10 pm and get home 6:30... but still that's not the "normal" breakfast, if you know what i mean. and usually when i'm still up 7 am or 8 am my office mates and friends would drink after the shift, so it's rare that i'm home and cooking breakfast during the mornings...

so the past sunday, i had the chance again to just do that... after my friday shift, which was saturday morning my office mates and i had a FEW drinks, only a few since i was somewhat sick with coughs and colds, so i was able to go home around 2 pm. and from there i just slept through... woke up 10 pm, ate a little and went back to bed, woke up around 4 am, surfed a little then dozed a little until 6 am, and then had the chance to cook breakfast for my family...

i was thinking of cooking hotdogs, or bacon which is another favorite of mine, and some eggs but there were no hotdogs or bacon in the fridge (duh, i was the only one who's buying those bacons and hotdogs since my mom actually doesn't like meat. she would go for chicken or fish, because the doctor advised her, and she's somewhat health conscious..) so i looked at what's in stock and found a can of vienna sausages. i haven't had those in years (serious!) so i opened it and just had it microwaved with it's juices included. and there were some chopped tomatoes in the fridge so i got 'em and made them into scrambled eggs... well not scrambled and not omelletes though, it was in the middle of those 2. don't get it? just look at the pics:

like what a song said, everything's gonna be alright... i guess i was just at the moment of the depression, but now everything's getting better.
if i'll just stay there, sulk and be miserable i wouldn't be able to do anything.
i should be finding the solution to the problem.
yes, crying is healthy but you shouldn't cry about the exact same thing for years. crying can help you, but shouldn't be done too much.
i should enjoy life. there's so much to enjoy about it. i just don't see it because i was just focused on 1 thing, that depression that i was feeling. there's got to be more to life.

i've just bought a cookbook so that when a free time comes i could cook something new. cooking is 1 of the things i enjoy in life. you are able to do something with love, you try to put the right ingredients and spice it up and balance the flavor... cook something good then enjoy it afterwards.

i'm supposed to post a picture of the pomodoro i've made around monday (and some others that i wasn't able to post) but the cam's at my room and currently it's being rennovated. i could actually get it but i'm too lazy to get it hehe..

pomodoro is a simple pasta dish which is made up of tomatoes, garlic, oil and basil. i love garlic and tomatoes and basil so liked it so much when a friend cooked it during 1 of our drinking sessions.

this weekend i'm gonna try making one of those in the cookbook i bought. the cookbok is just at 100 pesos and it's packed with easy to do recipes.

and since i don't have the cam, i'll just post random pics haha

after a long time.. yeah it's been a long time since i've done a few things that i wasn't able to do before...

1st is posting... yeah lately i've lost the passion to make a post. if i had the camera with me then i would have posted something before when i cooked some stuff but i didn't have it with me when i cooked sinigang na gulay (haha i call it like that because it didn't have any meat in it) and pancit canton. while browsing through some books at national i saw a recipe for what it calls "stuffed tofu"... can't remember anymore what exactly are the ingredients and amounts, but i remember how it is made so when i have the time i'll try to make one without a recipe. hahaha

2nd... i was able to read a book. yeah i don't read books that much to be honest with you. i was never fond of reading books. i've only finished 2 books in my entire life. it's because of the power outage yesterday that i was able to set my eyes on a book again. thanks to the brown-out!

3rd is... 1st time i've yearned for someone like this in a long time. yeah i've been single since december of 2007 and i'm gonna be single for two years when december of this year arrives. yeah, i've felt sad a few times but i've never felt this depressed since like forever.
i was able to shrug it off a lot of times but now it's something i can't take away from me. to add the fact that i'm getting fat makes it a little more depressing.
i know looks aren't everything. a friend responded to a profile description i made. the description i wrote was:
...i would like to have a better body so i'd be perfect for whoever's gonna be my partner...

he said:
".....you don't have to do this. this is extremely ridiculous and insane! wag mong gawing tanga ang sarili mo. u'v been blinded by the blinds.
.....mahalin mo kc ang sarili mo. hindi mo kailangang kainin ang sasabihin ng iba. respeto sa sarili; thinking this way, mas ginagago mo ang sarili mo kung akala mo lng. tsk tsk. pasalamat ka, may mga tunay kang kaibigang anjan para bumatok sayo.."

it was a nice thing for him to say that. i needed that. i felt better with that. thanks!

but then for after an hour, it's there again... depression's crushing me again.

things happened in my life the year of 2007. met someone, been with someone, left someone. i know my past relationships weren't something to be proud of, they were bull. but it was that time when i wasn't fat and my hair was short.
yes. short.

from the word "short" i remembered just now as i'm typing that: someone told me that what's in for guys like me nowadays is sporting short hair, and that hair cut short would look best for me, and it's maybe the reason why i'm still single.

well my reason for having long hair? it's something i've wanted to have since i was in high school. and yes, my hair isn't naturally straight. i had it rebonded. don't blame me. it's also what i've wanted since i was in grade school: to have hair that looks straight and healthy compared to what i have before: ugly, wavy (that looks messy and dead).

i was even teased "toupe" when i was in grade school for having bad looking hair. as i describe it, it's wavy-ness isn't manageable, and i called it "bulbol". my hair then actually looked like it's patay na buhok. and i was teased on my hair.

so i had it cut short (aside from the reason it's needed for COCC) and then someone said i look like a basagulerong jose rizal.

and because of the ugly waviness of my hair i've been pondering on the thought of having it straightened since high school, but my mom said it's a chemical process and my hair would be damaged and i'll go bald. so okay i dismissed the thought of having it straightened.

okay back to the story.. what i'm saying is, i know looks aren't everything. but based on what i was in 2007 i just can't stop thinking that i'm being judged for how i look like and not for who i am, what i am like and what i can do..

i just want to be loved i guess. for who i am.

yeah, tell me that i'm being too paranoid, close-minded, childish, whatever you want to.... but i feel depressed. that's what i'm feeling now. and so every reason that i can think of keeps piling up.

i know i promised not to post something sad ever again but i just can't stop. if i don't release this i may go crazy later on. this is my outlet aside from drinking and going out with friends.

to make something long shorter here it is: i feel like i don't exist. i don't feel loved and i just feel like i'm just someone who isn't special.
in the movies, it's like i'm just "extra # 5" or "the good friend #2".
in a movie it would be the line, i "feel so alone amidst a sea of people"
in a song it would be ocean deep. i wanna spread my wings but i just can't fly as a string of pearls and pretty guys go sailing by... i'm afraid to show my feelings... i'll keep [my feelings] ocean deep.
in a book, i would be the mental patient who would everyday lie down on the floor face down just for someone to notice her, and then go back to her room before the day ends.
come to think of it, maybe that's the reason why i'm sobrang galawgaw sa floor when i'm at work. i wanted to get noticed.

yeah this person i like is on the floor, and to be honest i don't know anything about that agent. yeah i know this isn't love, this is just attraction, i don't even know anything, and we're not even acquainted. but i'm hoping, and i'm thinking that it would be good to feel at least appreciated by someone you like... which i haven't felt in a long time. i hope it would be soon, not after a long time...