A new blog, a new me! (hopefully haha)

Just minutes ago, I was watching this video on youtube, and it awakened an old dream of mine: my dream of being in Japan. Actually, I dreamed of being an exchange student in Japan. And I dreamed of being born in Japan, or having a vacation in Japan. But what I ultimately wanted to do is to experience their culture, and to be able to wear Japanese high school uniform. I think their high school uniform is awesome, and I like to experience flying sakura blossoms here and there. No joke!

I like the idea of walking to school while wearing those black or dark blue long-sleeved, handsomely collared uniforms. And I like to visit their temples, and just experience being with their people, and to go to places that are really beautiful and captivating.

When I was a child, I had this book regarding cultures and customs, and that is the very title of the book. And aside from that I also was able to find this book about Japan with more details and pictures of it (it even had their story of how the world was created, like their version of the Creation, and Malakas and Maganda), and the pictures of the places there, the people, their clothes: they really captivated me, and since I was a child I wanted to be there.
I even had this idea before that maybe if I was born there I would fit in better because of my asian looks, and that maybe I'd have a better life there. hehehe


more:
fashion in japan dot com - trendy clothing
fashion in japan dot com - young clothing
japanese streets dot com

**paunawa: like what they instruct us in taking calls:
don't assume.
understand what the customer needs.
check what type of customer you are handling.**


i find myself looking at your pictures
and i smiled a couple of times
from one after the other.

you were always someone i looked for
and looked at
when i proceeded to my little space at work.

and i liked the way you looked
and how you look like
it was effortless yet captivating
you captivated me
and perhaps some others there
and that one lucky person that is rightfully yours.

don't know if you're aware
or even have the idea
but every time you speak with me
i was always wondering
i was always hoping for something more
more than the kindness i get from you
more than the sincerity you show me
more than what we are

i should stop looking at your pictures now
it only makes me wish of things
that wouldn't even happen.

you're taken now
by someone you chose
and i hoped that it was me instead.

but not anymore.

i never even knew you deeply
and that's the reason why.

yes, you are hot.
you have great hair and a hot body.
so what?
why even bother talk to me
if you'd just leave me hanging when i ask you back?
when i just wanted to ask you the reason?
so what if i only invest around three hundred
on my cellphone load?
so what if i did want to speak with you somehow?
so what if you ignored me after getting what you wanted to know?
so what?!

don't you even dare
just even once
to try to speak with me, then end it just there.

i'll delete you.
i'll make sure that i'll never look at your friendster again.
you don't even have a multiply account,
no blog,
and you're not even here!
so why should i care about you?
why should i think about you?
i just hate feeling this way.
i felt so violated,
crushed by what you just did,
intentional or not.
but whatever,
i'll just forget you.

**just a note: mababaw lang to. so don't speculate anything grandiose or something.**

My ID is gone! errr...well, not in a bad way. I surrendere it yesterday afternoon while accomplishing the clearance form and exit interview form. Before leaving the house I had this hunch that it's going to be taken, so good thing I took a picture of it hehehe.

And why did I take a picture of it?
1) It's the ID of my first job ever.
2) I like my picture there. I never had an ID with a good picture on it, and for me this is one of the best ID pics I had.
3) As a remembrance.

Here it is:

*sigh* *sob* goodbye ID! hehe

**paunawa: maaari po lamang gawin PG ang replies. ang sumusunod ay maaaring di angkop sa mga bata. patnubay ng manyak ay kailangan.**

--just saw someone on a jeepney ride--


emotions awakened
by the sight of you
my soul stimulated
my thoughts captured
by that one moment
i laid eyes on you

my ideal self
my ideal partner
your silky lips
on that tough exterior

i wanted to touch them with mine
to play and firmly hold
to suck on them
until it's sore
throw my cares away
make mad love

to lick your eyes
and make them wet
to nimble on your earlobe
put my chest on yours
feel electricity
feel the friction
of our warm bodies
touching the cold air of night

but then again
i wouldn't do it
with someone i've been with
for only twelve minutes

during the day, I think of what I should do or how to appease someone I don't even know.

during the night, like now, I think of the same, just add the rush of having everything done quickly.

this was before, but today, it was different. I didn't think of any of these. one thing is for sure: I don't have work now.

it wasn't an easy decision. yes, leaving is the easy way out, but to be told while passing my resignation letter that I would be regularized the week after that and still have the option of withdrawing it, you might think it's stupid not to wait on being regularized first. Yes, maybe I should have waited. but during those times I already came to that point wherein I have been dragging myself to work, and I did try enduring everything for more than two months now. and also to the point that while drinking with my bestfriend i keep on telling about this customer and that vehicle's crappy sunroof, and how i don't want to go to work anymore. i still even recall their names. he told me that if it's really stressing me then perhaps it's not for me. i guess he was correct. i don't see myself staying there the next year.

TL Mitch: "give it another three months. who knows baka magbago isip mo."
cArLo: "nagawa ko na yan, TL. November ko pa inisip: bigyan ko ng two o three months pa. pero eto..Feb na."

it is a surprise that I was able to serve those 30 days. it really is. I knew myself as someone who, if running away to never return is an option, would choose it. I remember back in high school, i didn't go to school a week before the exams primarily because i was dodging a project that I should have spearheaded. and when I wake up and felt like not going to school, or haven't done a big assignment for that day, i'd just not go to school, pretend to be not feeling well and present a letter the next day.

i really do feel that it's the people and friends at work, and my friends who made me stay longer. if team redgehorse wasn't there, probably i was already gone by the first of december. if Nyl wasn't there, probably I've already lost hope and didn't know what to do and instead have just gone on NCNS (AWOL).

yes, you'd stay at work because you need the cash, and perhaps if you do enjoy what you are doing. but when it gets tough, it's your friends that motivate you to go to work. reason why i was there longer was because of the people, not because of the money on the job.

still, i left. it's not because they're presence or help wasn't enough. it's not that. it's just that i want to be self-reliant, efficient and at my best, somewhere where I'd be in love: with my work, and perhaps with someone wahahaha.

anyway, we'll still see each other. i'll never forget you guys. thanks so much for all the help and the memories.

this is for everyone that helped me through those times i felt so weak at work. I guess i just have to be where i'd be in love with my work.
it's been you guys that motivated me to go through with work and the remaining days. super di ko lang love yung work, but I do love you guys ^_^
thanks for understanding, and for all the time of day you've given me. I really appreciate it.
i'll never forget you guys!
thank you very much.
txt txt pag may inom hehehe ^_^
this is for you:

i admit
i'm not strong
i just hide everything under my smile
i try to keep up
and always be better
for i don't want to be a nuisance

but I know
and I feel
i'm not for this, it's not for me
i'll go and find
where I should be
for i want to be the best of me

hope in time
when I'm there
my heart will find that love it yearns
but all I know
it will keep coming back
to where it felt just like home

thanks to you
I made it through
you've been the strength that i needed
in times where i
just wanted to leave
you've been there for me to hold on to

-cArLo

*sometimes, there are just people that don't mean to hurt you, wherein they are doing you good, or just being themselves but then makes you feel down even though they don't mean to and don't have that idea at all. you're hurt by them doing good. and that's weird. or i'm the one who's weird.*


just when i am to leave
you've done it
why just now?
it made me hope again
admire
to lust on taking a bite.

i already closed it
you're not there anymore
you weren't even there
but just by what you do
even unaware of what you do
you keep me waiting
and i keep on hoping
and i'm left succumbing
on the bits of crumbs
that you didn't even intend to leave for me.

just when i thought that i'm used to it
it came knocking on my door
no, it actually barged in
without any second thoughts
it just stabbed me right there
yanking out most of what's left of it.

my pride
my good ol' pride
like lovely cigarettes
after using, you just extinguish
you killed the fire
stepped on
left with trails of ashes

somehow, someday
i'll just wait for someone to sweep it
and put it where it's supposed to be.

**I made this post, and just saved it instead of publishing it. since I'm not there anymore, i think i can post this already...**

Just a while ago, I felt important. I'm actually not sure if that's the message being sent to me, and I'm not sure if that's how I should feel, but yes, I did feel that way.

Guess it is what's expected of from a team leader: to uplift the members of the team, keep them standing, make them feel they are doing good. My TL was trying to persuade me on staying (even though I was given the title "salutatorian in AHT*" because of my long ACW**). She didn't exactly tell me her reasons, but she kept on telling me to stay.

All I could do is smile, and make this face which is a cross between a smiling and an "I don't know" face. All I know is that I don't want to be in this anymore. I could still go on for the remaining days, but if I would continue, maybe in a month's time I'd go on NCNS which is worse. so I'm saving what's left to have a graceful exit.

(can't remember the exact words, but it went like this)

TL: so you're not going to change your mind anymore?
cArLo: ummm (smile)
TL: just try to stay for 3 more months..
cArLo: I already did that, told myself to give it about two months more way back November.
TL: owwss..
cArLo: pagbigyan nyo na ako..
TL: aren't you going to miss us? how about Ryan? (someone they were pairing me with, joke within the team)
cArLo: hehehe... TL, yes, I'm going to miss everyone. The only reason why I'm still here is because of the people around me.
TL: yun naman pala e, e di stay...
cArLo: pagbigyan nyo na ako please.. pwede naman ako pumasyal dito e..

Yep, that's it. I rarely feel appreciated or important. But this time of the day I felt important. Or appreciated.

*AHT - Average Handling Time. The average time (in minutes) you handle a call. More than 22 minutes is already considered super way out.
**ACW - After Call Work. The minutes you spend with documentation and doing outbound calls after an inbound call is released. ideal ACW is 5 minutes. I'm usually at 20 wahahaha.

-disclaimer: this wasn't done to satisfy anyone's poetic mind. this is just an outlet,okay? ^_^-

before leaving this
i finally got what i wanted
but after making you surrender
those silver-lined clouds vanished
making it clear that there's no more left
to get all of you.

before wanting it
i've never hoped for this
but after leaving me behind
not seeing kept me longing
making it clear that all i've wanted
is to get all of you.

before doing this
i did fancy on having you
but after making all of these
one by one it has slapped me
waking me up from the fact
that i've never had you.

Valentine's day. This is the day that was made to show your love to that special someone:
For the singles, it's a reminder of lacking something in their lives.
For the young couples, it's a day where they'd spend the night out eating, giving/receiving tokens of love, doing romantic stuff, and probably ending up somewhere R18.
For the married, it's a reminder of their lovey dovey days which they don't do anymore, so perhaps some would do an effort to give a box of chocolates or be romantic (if they aren't being romantic anymore)
**These doesn't apply to all, okay?**

Well, it does get somewhat sad for singles like us, but for me I rather think of this day as a reminder that we should love, and we shouldn't be doing it just in this time of the year. We are beings capable of loving anyway.

Just remembered: my Christian Living teacher said: "Love is the highest form of choosing." And I agree. You make decisions for the persons you love. And romance is out the window.

Yes I know, I may be without someone special for this particular day, and for this reason single guys should not be pressured, or else it would just turn out that they had someone and had been with someone on this day just for the sake of having one, of feeding their own insecurity.

But one thing I know: this is just a day that has been marked. But in reality, there shouldn't be a day to remind us of this. Perhaps blame it on commercialism.

OR perhaps Valentine's day isn't a day of love, but a day of romance.

Maybe.

But for me, just like what i posted as a reply to my friend's blog:
"...and whoever that person would be for me, i know that it's not just Valentines day that would be our day.."
...but it would surely be everyday. (*evil laugh*, hehehe ^_^)

Usually on weekends, I go out on saturday and sunday nights.. but for this week i didn't. No one msg'd me about any gimiks for Saturday night, and regarding my usual sunday night out, they were not available: Nyl can't drink due to meds he's taking, and Debbie's not available, and Kylie, my friend in the workplace can't drink also due to meds.... so I just stayed at home.

I was thinking of actually going out alone, you know, just to try it out and see what it would feel like to go out on your own. But I didn't continue to venture on that idea, since it seems like a waste of money to be eating and drinking on your own. Also one more thing: my family didn't go malling today, which we usually do every Sunday after church. And I got lazy and slept until about 2AM of Monday..

And since I had a lot of sleep, I actually had so much energy that I got do do again what I've used to do when I still didn't have work: exercise.

When i started working, all I ever did was just do pushups and some situps about twice a week or thrice, and then just stop there. But just hours ago, I did half of the upper body workout CD (with light weights), first part of aerobics with weights, and 1 session of the abs workout CD, which is already big for me considering that I haven't done this on a daily basis. I did this faithfully before every two days, which I didn't do anymore.

It was sort of boring for me: the idea of staying home. But it was actually a refreshing change. I got to spend time for myself, cook some chicken burgers with toasted wheat bread and cheese, with scrambled eggs (mmmmmmm yum yum), exercise, enjoy coffee at home and play some PC games, have a long bath complete with body salts and scrubs (kulang nalang ay scented candles and oils hahaha) and post a blog entry.

I missed having time for myself alone, and now I was able to do so. I won't say pang-alis umay ang nangyari since i enjoy going out and di ako nauumay sa paglabas with people I value and love. Just for a change of pace lang and additional time for myself.

And I loved it. I was able to love myself. I somehow felt alive again. It's great to love yourself: to pamper yourself, and to have time for yourself, prepare scrumptuous food, do what you enjoy doing, and to improve yourself....

But later, back to work again. haaaayyy... just a little more, and I'll be free from my current work... and would start to look for another around March.

Hope I'll find that work that I'd love...

At this time, I'm not really sure where I am headed to. I passed my letter of resignation around third week of January even though I'm not yet regularized (though my current TL said she would have regularized me the week after have I not passed the letter, which I'm not sure if that is true) because of this: I don't want to work anymore with the account.

I can say that most of the time I feel pressured and stressed with handling concerns wherein the problem is really with the vehicle itself, I mean if only I could just go ahead and fix it, or have it bought back with a click of a button, but I don't know. Maybe it's just that I feel for the customer too much, and I myself am getting disappointed with the product itself. And I know and I admit that I'm a newbie when it comes to vehicles (I mean, come on, I was only able to know what dome lamps and automatic locking and stuff like that is from this work). And maybe I'm just not for Customer Assistance. Or maybe it's just that the account where I'm currently in has mixed almost all departments/areas into Customer Assistance. It's just so broad for me: owners manual questions, reimbursement handling, bluetooth pairing, warranty information, recalls and special coverages, vehicle complaints, etcetera. And the customers expect that you are familiar with the vehicle they have, when in truth you are handling complaints/concerns/questions for more than 50 vehicles. Maybe I just want to be placed in something more specific or specialized. Yes, I can be repetitive, and I'm comfortable with that, knowing that I'll be an expert in that certain field.

Yes, I know. My other colleagues were able to handle it. And they seem very okay. It's just that I want to be somewhere wherein when I say "This is the thing to do", it would mean that that is the right thing to do hands down, 100 percent. I admit that I'm an airhead sometimes. And I want to be somewhere wherein when I leave work, I won't think about what to tell Mr. Ramasir about his situation with his 2007 Acadia in a way that he would take it all in without demanding for a supervisor, or how to make a good business case for Mr. Milstead's so it would turn out to be valid for escalation (which I was able to in time, if I followed what I was initially told to do then I wouldn't have ever forwarded it) and what to tell to Mr. I-forgot-the-name-already about his records not showing up in the owner center website, and to advise him that it's going to be escalated, even though you know that nothing would actually happen as experienced with other cases similar to his. Yes, I'm find myself agreeing most of the time with customers when they say that the process sucks, and I'm not that good at telling "lies" or sugar-coating stuff.

Or maybe I'm just not good at handling complaints. Period. I don't know.

Maybe I think of work too much that I keep on thinking about it when I'm at home already.

Or maybe I'm just not effective in managing my cases. I just feel like I should be at something where in I have the skill and knowledge. I mean if I were to be informed before signing the papers that I would be in an automotive account, I wouldn't have signed the contract.

Something thing like this: When someone asks what to do with his Carbonara being too thick, I'd tell him to add some milk and a little bit of salt, depends on how salty it is to begin with. Or when someone asks why his computer's internet via wireless network isn't working, I'd tell them to click "repair", or restart the router, or check if it's on or something like that. I think I want to be at a state where I can resolve something during that point in time.

Shoot, maybe I should have chosen to be in technical, not non-tech.

It's just that I think me being not knowledgable with vehicles is becoming a hindrance to me in being successful. And also to be honest, I'm not interested in vehicles, that's another.

Or maybe I'm just an airhead.