A new blog, a new me! (hopefully haha)

***note: if you don't want to read about rantings then you'd have trouble with this because this would be a long one. and it's been a long time since i've made an entry here....***

xxx

i feel lonely. i feel alone. no, i'm not being an emo just because i have long hair. i still give out laughs and talk with people. it's just that lately there's one emotion or feeling that i haven't experienced in a long long time.
yes people appreciate me for who I am and for what I do (maybe), but I still feel deep down that i am not appreciated or that no one appreciates me. yes, friend and co-workers do, and parents and other people, but not to that level that i'm yearning for right now.
it has been a long time since i have called someone something that is not the person's real name, and not a term of endearment for a friend. actually it's not that that i'm missing, i mean it's only a term and i could call anyone anything.
i don't know... maybe i just need to exercise a lot so i could have lots of endorphins rushing in my body to make me happy. they say exercising releases endorphins which make you happier or something. well exercising has been something that i haven't done as i used to a year ago, so maybe all the endorphins have already left my body so now i'm feeling sad or alone or something.
the only time that i don't feel this is when i'm doing something that needs my attention like being at work: taking calls, typing, being engage in a conversation... those times when i don't get to think about myself 100 percent.. or 80 percent because sometimes i get this feeling while eating my lunch which is 4 hours earlier than noon, or when i'm outside during breaks.
or when i'm with friends. i don't get to think about it when i'm out with them drinking. so maybe that's one reason why i'm tagged as "kaladkarin" because i would join anyone who would invite me to grab a few beers or shots. and then i don't feel it.. and then i feel it towards the end, those times when i'm left out with nothing to say, staring at randomly just enything and then have time again to think while everyone is talking and getting more shots (or someone's puking already in the background)
and then i feel it again. i just don't want to feel it anymore. i mean hey, no one wants to feel this and i'm part of that.
i guess this isn't serious anyway, like i can still go to work and perform, and still cook food for the family and play online games and eat and drink and do stuff like i usually do. well yeah maybe i just need to exercise to get those fucking endorphins.
and also to get my previous body back which is better, or get a body which is better than that. so maybe when i do that i'd be getting 2 things at the same time: be happier and have a better body. i wanna have those.
i'm thinking of getting a gym membership. but then again i could use the money to get a new pair of jeans or a jacket or a new pair of shoes 'cause i really need them. or get a few buckets of beer and some sisig and kinilaw na tanigue. yum.
also i assesed that i'm not at a point were i'd just feel okay if for example someone would do something sweet for me and i kind of like the person and then i would find out after that that the person's just kind and just being sweet to everyone and then just be okay about it... well i confirmed last night that at this point if that scenario happens then i would not be okay after it, because honestly at that point i was hoping and wishing that at least it was real but then turns out it was just a joke (meaning just a friendly joke).
anyway maybe now's not the time yet. i would first need to get regularized at my work, and then work out and shape up this body, be a better person so that if that one person would arrive i'd be a perfect partner. i want to be perfect for whoever that would be. i just want to be perfect for him.
anyway back to doing stuff again... have work later and i would have to sleep now.